a letter to the health department from a little gal

Dearest Government Worker:

Do you remember class picture day in elementary school? The teachers would make you line up, from tallest to smallest: talls in the back; smalls in the front.

I was always in the front row. In fact, I was always the last one to line up: I was shorty #1.

So, I preface this letter by saying, I get it: I am small, very small.

The other day, I called your offices for some help.

You see, I'm trying to start a business - a very yummy business specializing in ridiculously sweet treats.

I'm new at all this business stuff, you know, the paperwork, the red tape, the fees, the rules...

So, as a little guy, I thought I'd reach out to you (being the giantest giant) for help with some of your forms.

Let me refresh your memory. Here is our conversation (transcribed and slightly embellished by me):

--------------------

ME: Hi, I'm trying to complete my application for x permit.

YOU: What don't you understand? Just fill out the blanks.

ME(thinks): No shit.

ME(says): I understand how to fill out an application. I'm wondering what if number 3, 4, 5, and 6 on the application are calling for the same information? Also, I don't know where I'm supposed to put my commercial kitchen space information, since there's not a space for it on the form.

YOU: Where is your kitchen space?

ME: Cedar Park?

YOU: Well, you need to call Williamson County and ask them what kind of permits and paperwork they need. Then you need to call the State.

ME(thinks): The entire state of Texas??

ME(says): Oh, okay.

YOU: What are you selling anyway? Jams and jellies?

ME: No, cookies.

YOU: Cookies. You're going to have to sell a lot of cookies to pay for all of this.

ME: I think I know how much I need to sell...

YOU: You know, you can't be baking cookies in your home kitchen and selling them right? That's illegal.

--------------------

Let's stop right there.

First, were we not previously talking about my commercial kitchen space location?

Second, since when did the Health Department start providing business consultations?

And finally, where in this conversation did I ask for your opinion on what constitutes a profitable business?

I came to you for help. Instead, you decide to condescendingly rain on my parade and make me feel infinitesimally small. On top of that, you provided me with inaccurate information AND gave me incorrect telephone numbers.

I get it.

You're in a dead end job. You've peaked in your career, and this is it. This is all you've got for the rest of your life: a crappy desk job answering questions about food sanitation, hand washing, and refrigerator temperatures.

I get it.

Your job sucks, and you're taking it out on the world.

And on me.

So, let me make your job a little easier:

Questions 3-6 CAN be the same information.
The correct telephone number for the Williamson County Health Department is (512) 943-3600.

So you see, YOU'RE completely expendable.

But cookies, they'll always be around.

And you won't!

Cheers!